My Life Adventure / Spiritual Journey Journal

Update Blog

2008-09-08T16:17:01Z

http://blog.spiritualsmarts.com

That's where everything is.

Love,
David

I've Moved

2006-04-19T17:13:48Z

Well, yes, I've changing my physical address a few times since I lasted updated here ... but that's not what I'm talking about.

I've pretty much moved my online presence, including all blogs/news updates, to MySpace.

Find me at http://www.myspace.com/lifeadventurer8 and add me as a friend. I look forward to seeing you there, if not already. ;)

Peace, my friends,
David Michaels

Unbelievable

2005-11-15T04:21:23Z

I'm moving. Again. *sighs and rolls eyes*

I just moved into this three bedroom duplex/townhouse on the start of October. Tonight, just a couple hours ago, my roommate tells me I have to find a new place by the end of the month.

Three of us live here. One guy couldn't stand the lack of furniture and TV, and the neighbor's dog that barked all night. He found himself a place in Long Beach and is moving out this week, on his own.

The other girl, just a day or two after learning this, suddenly tells me that the landlord is jacking up the rent and it's too much for her to pay, especially since she hardly lives here. She spends most of the time staying at her boyfriend's place. She doesn't want to pay the increased rent, which starts in December, so she's going to officially move out by the end of the month.

Which leaves me to find my own place in that time, too.

Mike (the guy roommate who's moving to Long Beach) is convinced, "I guarantee you," he says, that no such thing is happening. The landlord is Alex's (the girl roommate) friend's mom. He feels that because he's leaving, Alex doesn't want to have to go through the trouble of finding a replacement roommate, and that she doesn't want to keep paying rent on a place she doesn't live at. He believes she fabricated this story, to create a convenient excuse for us to all move out. She'll stay with her boyfriend. Mike's got a place. And did she care about me? The whole time she told me her "story" (whether it was true or not), she never once said she felt bad for my situation. She did, however, many times say she felt bad because she had bought furniture and was now going to have to store it somewhere. Poor her.

When Mike heard the story, he at least said, "Sucks for you, man," in a sympathetic way.

I don't want to believe that Alex lied to my face. But all the pieces don't quite fit. First of all, the landlord is unlikely to increase the rent so much so quickly, especially for her daughter's own best friend. Secondly, there was no 30-days notice. Third, how did Alex learn about this news anyway, if she hasn't been here to receive her mail yet?

Maybe the landlord hadn't raised rent in many years. Maybe she sent a letter a month ago, but it was lost or never received. Maybe the landlord got Alex on the phone. Maybe Alex's story is true. I hope so. I don't want to believe a seemingly-decent human being would lie to my face, just to get me to hurry up and move out in TWO WEEKS TIME, just so she could save money on rent and formally move in with her new boyfriend. I don't want to believe that. But Mike is convinced she did.

Either way...I've gotta find a new place, ASAP. At first I was a little stressed. But I honestly have a feeling something good is going to come from this. I don't know what, I don't know how. But I feel that something good is around all this...that my next move is a good one. I hope I'm right. Right now, I feel good and confident that something will work out, again...

... I'm just tired of moving around so much. lol.

-David

New Family Member

2005-11-04T02:19:35Z

Just a quick update... I've extended my family. :)

Last year (right around this time, come to think of it) I bought a couple baby turtles at the mall. Leonardo and Donatello. Remember? :) Anyway, when I left Florida, I released them into the wild, an ideal habitat for them... But I still had my parakeet, Charlie. Charlie Bird. lol.

Charlie loves me very much. He's VERY attached to me. (Birds bond and mate for life.) And I love him very much, too. I know birds are very social creatures. If Charlie saw me leaving the room, he'd quickly fly out of his cage and land on my shoulder. He wanted to go with me, wherever I was going. It was so cute. :)

But I can't always be there to play with Charlie. So I decided to take the plunge and get him a friend.

I've had Charlie for 2-3 years now. He's this beautiful yellow and green parakeet. So when I went to the pet shop, I picked out a goregeous blue and white parakeet. For some reason he reminded me of a snow-capped mountain. So I called him "Snowy Mountain," or just Snowy for short. ;)

Snowy was a bit traumatized by the trip from the pet store to his new home...but he quickly adjusted and is now doing fine. Charlie, on the other hand, has been ecstatic! I haven't seen him so energetic and happy in a long time. He immediately took a liking to his new roommate and I can tell the two birds are gonna get along fine. :)

Snowy's pretty young. Less than a year, I'm guessing. And a bit smaller than Charlie, too. Both are so cute, though. I'm happy that Charlie's happy. I'm happy to have more pets to love. :) :)

Just wanted to share the news.

Peace all!
-David

God bought me an iPod!

2005-11-01T03:16:10Z

Seriously.

I was finishing up shaving, after my shower today, when I heard someone knocking at the door. "Coming!" I yelled. I quickly dried my face (I had *just* finished shaving) and threw on my shirt, to go answer the door. The UPS guy was there with a box. ... A box, for me.

I signed for it, wondering what the heck it was, because I wasn't expecting anything.

Then I opened it. And behold: the iPod Nano.

Where'd it come from?

Jump back several weeks, Katey was attending a Human Resources conference down in Long Beach, representing her company. She invited me to come along. Although the conference wasn't specifically for me, I still had fun talking to different exhibitors. I also got good info and resources for "one day" when my company has such human resource needs. Many of the exhibitors ran contests and drawings, to help collect business cards (leads) for them to call later. One of them was giving away a free nano iPod.

I've been wanting an mp3 player for a while. I do a lot of long driving in the car (an hour each way WITHOUT traffic problems). I've got a CD player with cassette tape adapter, that I feed into my car's tape player and listen to CD's while I drive. But I'm limited to the handful of songs I can fit on a single CD...and then there's the fun of trying to change CD's while driving 70+ mph down a 5-lane freeway. lol. An mp3 player would be ideal, so I could load a bunch of songs onto it from home, feed it through the cassette tape adapter, and listen to more songs (more safely) in the car on these long drives.

So when I dropped my business card in for the free drawing, I said a quick little prayer and set the intention to win the iPod. I wanted it, I hoped for it...but then I let it go. If God wanted me to have it, I'd get it. If not, well, that was okay too. I accepted either outcome, and detatched emotionally from the outcome.

This was partly a "test" or sorts. I have been learning about "intention setting" from some of the books I've been reading and people I've recently met. Apparently the universe has some kind of system in place, where we get to be co-creators of our life experiences. The process is pretty simple: 1. get clear on what you really want, 2. "feel" what it would be like to have it in your life, 3. let it go, detatch, be okay whether it happens or not. That's it. Then you wait. You *never* tell the universe/God "how" or "when." Just what you want, and why you want it. You let the how and when happen if and when it's gonna happen, in its own way. Period.

So I followed that process with winning this iPod. I've experimented with other things too. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But when it does work...man, it happens in the most unexpected ways. lol.

Call me crazy or whatever you want, but I'm starting to see this actually work in real life. I've read it from different sources. I thought it might've been a bunch of hype or sounds-good stuff to sell a book. But I'm open minded enough to give it a try, to test it.

Maybe it's just coincidence, right? Just random luck?

Okay, maybe. Which is why I'm repeating the experiment at different times, with different things.

This iPod drawing was just another opportunity to test it. And whether the "intention setting" had anything to do with it or not, the fact of the matter is...I WON ONE!!! :)

I'm so happy. I feel like God loves me. :)

I *know* God loves me. I said I "feel" like God loves me. There's a difference.

So it was really cool to get this surprise gift from God--and that's exactly how I see it. I didn't have to earn it. I didn't fight for it, compete for it, or even go out to the store and point at it. lol. I was just going with the flow--and it happened naturally. Katey invited me to a conference that I enjoyed. While there, I happened across an exhibitor raffling it off. The ONLY effort on my part was saying, "Okay, sure," and dropping in my business card. I haven't even gotten any sales calls! lol. I asked God for it, and let it go...left it up to the Creator of the universe to decide if this was how He/She/It wanted to fulfill my music-listening needs while driving in and out of LA. :)

(btw--I recognize that "God" is the complete perfection of both masculine and feminine energy...being both and neither at the same time...hence the "He/She/It" part. ;) )

Anyway, just wanted to share my little blessing. I'm listening to it right now. So cool. It holds about 2GB of songs. It retails around $100, I believe. Certainly not top of the line, but sufficient for my needs, for sure. And I can't complain about the price! :)

God bless you, too.

Peace, my brothers and sisters.

:-D

Love Always,
-David

Perspective

2005-10-28T20:12:43Z

Just imagine, one day...

It's the end of my life.
I'm passing on to the other side.
And I'm thinking to myself, "Boy, I'm sure glad I paid all my bills!"

---

If you don't find that hilarious, well, I did. lol.

I actually thought that. In my mind, I was having an imaginary conversation with my dad. You see, right now in life I'm struggling in certain areas. Struggling to make ends meet, get the bills paid, build a successful life... But I'm going about it a very different way than most. Most people go to college, get a degree, get a good high-paying job, and build a life the traditional way. Not bad. Just traditional.

Me, on the other hand, my soul's incompatible with that way of life. So I have to find an alternate route. Perhaps as an investor or business owner or housewife or something. lol. I've been exploring all kinds of options. Starting my own company, joining a network-marketing company, being a professional speaker, working as an independent contractor (like, designing websites). Stuff like that. All perfectly good, viable options. And they all speak to a part of me...but I haven't quite yet found "it"--whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life, how I'm supposed to live, what way I'm supposed to earn a living, etc.

Part of me, deep down in my subconscious, likes to argue with myself. One side says, "Forget it--you're not cut out for it. Just give up, get a job, and work hard for the rest of your life." The other says, "No, all truly successful people have failed greatly. I can't give up. I'll die on the inside if I do."

So my imagination ran a little fictional conversation with my dad. You see, my dad was a hard worker. I respect him for that. He put in sometimes 60-80 hours or more a week. He hated his job. But it paid really good money, especially for someone who lacked a 4-yr-degree. He felt trapped. Optionless. Growing up, I saw how miserable it made him. How "dead" on the inside he became. How his job slowly killed him over the years. Sucking the life right out of his soul. He was a good man. And when I got to see it, he had a great heart. Most of the time, however, he was stressed out, depressed, and maybe secretly angry or resentful. I love him. And I know he made a huge sacrifice to support his family.

Still, part of me wonders if there was another way.

Anyway, in this imaginary conversation, I heard my dad tell me to give up, stop trying, it wasn't working. My approach to life didn't work. I needed to settle down, get serious, get my act together, and get a full-time job and start being "responsible."

I tried to reason and explain that I was still searching, and I believed it was something worth searching for. The answers weren't easy, but for me, I needed to find them. That's how I needed to live my own life.

"But it's not working," he said to me in this fictitious conversation.

"Oh, and your life is?" I replied back.

"At least I can pay the bills!" he defended.

That's when it struck me. A vision, a glimpse into my future. Some day I'm gonna die--we all are, this is nothing new. lol. Some day I'm going to cross-over into the spirit realm. My body will be gone. My life will be over. And when looking back over my life, I'm going to think, "Boy, I'm sure glad I paid all my bills!"

Yeah, right! lol.

You kidding me?!

I'm not gonna give a flying-flip if I paid all my bills or not. IT'S JUST MONEY -- and it has NO meaning or value in the end.

What will have meaning for me? What will have value or any importance at all?

What was my life like?
Was it worth it?
Did I have fun while I was here?
Did I touch anyone's life, heal anyone's heart, inspire anyone's soul?
What did I learn?
How did I grow?
Who am I now, having completed my life on Earth?
Did I make a difference?
Did I fulfill my purpose?
Was I here for a reason -- or simply taking up space?
Did I love?
Did I forgive?
Did I learn?
Did I grow?
Did I become more than what I was when I first got here?
Did I help others become more than when they first got here?
How did I spend my time?
How did I spend my life?
Who am I?
How did I treat and use this gift of life that I was given?
Did I come to know my Creator?
Did I love or judge, understand or criticize, have peace or be impatient?
Did I ever really "live"?
...

I pause for a moment to reflect on those things.

And I notice a certain absence of certain kinds of questions. In looking back over my life, nowhere did I care what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in (or didn't), how much money I had, how much money I made... I didn't care about my social status, the clothes I wore, or even where in the country I lived.

I can't bring any of that with me. That's all Earth-bound, Earth-locked stuff.

Who I was, how I lived, who I touched, what I did, how I grew and changed...what I overcame, what I learned, what I shared, what I gave... those are the "things" I take with me. Those are the things that become a part of me.

Death puts perspective on life, doesn't it?

That's what I'm thinking about today. And I wanted to share it with you.

When you die, someday (and believe me, one day you will) ... what's your question? What are you going to say or think, when you look back over your life, now that it's over and finished?

'Cause that day will come. Today, we have the opportunity, the chance, to write a better answer.

Thank you for your time.

Love Always,
your friend,
David Michaels

Back Online Again ... Sort Of

2005-10-09T18:46:44Z

I got back online again this morning. The first time some of my friends saw me signed on in about a month.

In my old Riverside apartment, my roommate got tired of having to reset the cable modem every so often, whenever it glitched up the IP address somehow. So she left me a note on my door one day, saying the internet would be down for the weekend, and back up on Monday. I later found out it was because she was switching to DSL.

Well, Monday came ... and still no internet. A week later, the DSL modem showed up, but then we had to wait a few days for the "activation date." Then it wasn't working with the wireless router. Long story short, I moved out before ever getting back online again.

Fortunately I was able to occassionaly check on e-mails while at Katey's house now and then. Then I moved into my new place in Chino, CA. We had to wait for the internet to get hooked up here, now, too.

We also got DSL here ... and it's working (obviously), since I'm now online. Except it's still not cooperating with my linksys wireless router. I called tech support twice yesterday. They were walking me through configuring the modem to work with it. And both times, my damn cell phone lost the signal. I hate T-Mobile. I'm in a bad reception area to begin with, but I've had problems with them before. Can't dial out sometimes. Dropped calls. Mediocre customer service. And every time I changed my rate plan, they extended my contract another year. Cingular never did that to me. As soon as my contract's up, I'm switching back!

Anyway, I'm now settled into my new place. My roommates (a guy named Mike and a girl named Alex) are really cool, laid-back, easy-going friendly people. My room's cozy too, and thanks to the help of my sister, I now have a nice bed too. (For my birthday, she chipped in a significant amount to help me buy a nice bed.) It's so comfortable. I had no idea how poor quality of sleep I was getting by sleeping on the floor.

Katey and I are still dating. Everything's going smoothly. We enjoy spending time together. Never fight or argue. We hang out a lot. We still both know we're not meant to be together forever -- but for now, we're enjoying each other romantically. There will come a day when we decide to just be friends again. But we both expect it to be a smooth transition, whenever that day comes.

I'm busy working on and building up my web-based entertainment production studio business, too. Just recently added a new writer to the team, too. Always looking for more talented people in the SoCal area, too. I also recently attended a Human Resources conference down in Long Beach. I got some great information and resources to help with my business--including some cool benefits and perks I can offer my employees and freelancers. :)

As for the trusting God unconditionally for everything thing, I've come to realize I haven't fully let go and trusted God for quite *everything*. Namely, financial stuff. I am trusting more now than I was before, and working on it more...but I wish I could say I totally have faith and trust in a Higher Power to take care of ALL of my needs.

But for now ... all seems well. I'm still in southern California, still have a roof over my head, still have food to eat, friends to spend time with, and a creative venture I'm passionate about to pursue... That's your update for now. :) Thanks for asking.

I miss all my friends back east. Come visit, you guys! lol.

Peace,
David Michaels

Brief Update

2005-09-15T03:34:00Z

Well, here's a quick update on what's happened since my last post:

1. I decided to trust God--unconditionally, for everything--on a "trial" basis. I wasn't ready to go full commitment on Him, so I'm doing it one day at a time. :) Right now, I don't have the full, deep, real unconditional trust that I eventually hope to have ... but I am trusting God more and better than I was before. And so far, things seem to be working out.

2. Enough financial aid money came in to cover me for a while.

3. As of just last night, I found a new place to live. It's pretty close to my sister (which is cool, it'll be nice to get to hang out with her more often). It's cheaper (about $200 less per month). In a good area. And my new roommate is extremely cool and flexible. And friendly. And the complete opposite of my current roommate. By all appearances, I'm moving into a much better environment in all respects. Except one. There's no pool/spa at this new place. Oh well. lol. Guess I'll have to go over to Katey's more often. ;)

4. I got sick. Actually had a fever today. I blame Katey. She got sick first. But...all those kisses...hmm, I say they were worth it! :)

5. Emotionally-speaking, however, I'm starting to heal and open up more. I'm actually starting to rediscover some big dreams I once had years ago, but lost after everything I went through with my family.

6. My website, Astral Zone 4, is growing too. Last month I made about $2! Woohoo! This month, I'm projected to get somewhere around $4--that's double (in case your algebra skills are weak)! :-p Of course, I don't see any of it until my balance reaches $50, which at this rate, should only take about a year. Then I only keep a percentage of it--the rest is divided up among all my artists and writers currently contributing to the site. The joys of being a small business owner! Woohoo! But you know what? I have fun doing it. And it has the potential to grow even more.

Besides, that's not counting the real-life experience I'm getting too. This is better than any "internship" would ever be. This is real world, real life, management experience, marketing experience, business ownership experience, etc, etc... And I'm making a profit! An itty bitty teeny weeny profit, but a profit nonetheless! Go me! :-p

lol.

So now you know...Mike's Super Short Show!

Oh wait, nevermind. lol. I mean, th- th- that's all folks!

Er, um...yeah. My head's congested today. I'm sick, remember? Don't blame me for the bad humor. lol.

Peace out,
David

My Greatest Fear

2005-09-05T16:38:04Z

I am only human.

And perhaps, I am too weak.

This is my story...

It's been a while since I updated my LiveJournal. A lot has happened since my last post. A LOT.

As you know, I recently moved back to California. Since arriving here, I've really felt in my heart that it was the right decision. I felt a certain peace and comfort, an inner "knowing" that I was at the right place at the right time. And at first, things seemed to be going well.

A friend had opened his own branch mortgage broker office. He invited me to move out to California and work with him. And I did. For three days. lol.

He was in the process of changing offices, in addition to buying his first home. He told me we wouldn't be working for a week or two, until he got settled in, and then we'd pick up with the new office. Well, a "week or two" went by--no word from my friend. Another week. And then finally, after leaving several voices mails and e-mails, he e-mailed me back. Over that time, he decided to work for someone else's company, focusing on refinances. He said that we "should do our own thing for now." I was stunned, and a little confused. But to be honest, I was also relieved.

Why? Because over those few weeks, I did a lot of soul searching. And I realized that I wanted to--and could do--something else that was much more aligned with my heart and soul, with my very purpose in life. Or so I thought.

I went to a workshop on how to "manifest your soul mate." It was fun, I made some friends, but didn't really learn anything I hadn't heard before. Still, I noticed one thing: the workshop leader had over 100 people attend, at $30 a head. That's $3,000 for 3 hours of work, and half the time, she only had us do ice breakers and get-to-know-your-group exercises. Then she had some open question and answers, a little basic advice, and a guided meditation. That's it, thanks for coming, have a good night.

My new friends and I went out for pizza, and the whole time, I was like, "I can do that! I can do better!"

So I thought about it, and ultimately decided to teach a fun, interactive workshop on stuff I love talking about--things like intuition, spiritual gifts and abilities, and stuff like that. Amber was extremely pleased to hear this news too. Apparently she, too, felt it was a good fit for my life, and strongly encouraged me to "do it now."

So I did.

Or at least, I tried. The end result was www.spiritualsmarts.com -- and I decided to lead workshops and be a spiritual coach -- something I've been doing on a small, unofficial scale for years now. Something several friends have told me I'd be good at. Something some close friends have told me to seriously consider doing.

Meanwhile, savings are slowly draining. I'm good at sticking to a budget, but my resources are limited. I scheduled a workshop date for later in September. I reserved the room, passed out flyers, made e-mail announcements, advertised in classifieds... and so far, I have received no sales, no pre-registrations, nothing.

Maybe I'm charging too much. Or too little. lol. Maybe my topic just isn't interesting enough for people. Maybe it's something else.

You see, I'm teaching a workshop on intuition--how to recognize it and use it in everyday life. Something we ALL have access to, once we learn how to recognize it. And I'm the kind of person who practices what he teaches.

So what did my intuition say about doing a workshop?

That's the funny thing. I'm not exactly sure, to be honest. I've been learning how to hear and follow my intuition for a couple years now, and have gotten really good at it. Usually it's a clear feeling--"yes, do this" or "no, don't do that." In this case, it was neither. I got a very peaceful, supportive sense...but no clear direction. Since I felt no resistance, I assumed it was safe to go forward.

Since then, I've done a little more introspecting and careful consideration. Some friends have suggested, which I agree with, that the whole workshop thing is "right"...just not "right now." lol. That it'd be part of what I'm doing with my life, but not the main focus. In fact, one friend recommended I write a book first...something I've been thinking about doing too. But to be honest, I don't feel led to do that right now either.

This appears to be a unique opportunity, a time in my life where I have the time to sit, be still, and figure out who I really am and what I really want to do with my life. Most people rush into a career--any career that pays the bills--and then wonder 40 years later what happened to their lives. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to go through a mid-life crisis, either.

Ever since I was little, I've had this strong inner knowing, a sense, that I was here for some big purpose. What, I don't know. But my heart pains me to know that I'm here for a specific reason.

It's important to me that I find who I really am and what I'm really here for--and begin doing it. Whatever it is, I'm sure it will affect lots of others' lives. I'm not saying this to be boastful or prideful, but to share with you the sense I have, and how important it is that I figure this out.

So I'm in a period of self-discovery right now, you could say.

But oh, it's so much more than that. lol.

God's challenging me ... in a way that I'm not doing so well on. lol.

He wants me to trust Him. Totally.

You ever play that game of "trust" as a kid (or an adult)? You know, where you cross your arms, close your eyes, and fall back ... hoping someone will catch you?

Yeah...well...I've never been able to do that.

And that's EXACTLY what God's asking me to do with Him in my life right now. For EVERYTHING, He says.

My job, my income, my relationships, my home, my car, everything.

EVERYTHING.

Since funds are running low, and it appears this workshop thing isn't gonna happen for now, I've started applying at local jobs. I also signed up to take some online courses back at USF (yes, I know--I'm living in California, taking classes in Florida. LOL.) They're some fun courses I can do online from my computer--and get a little extra financial aid to help me live.

But so far, no job prospects have opened up. So far, my financial aid hasn't come in yet either, and to be quite honest, I'm not sure how much will come in... (I can never figure out Financial Aid's web site.) hehehe.

And then, without warning, reason, or explanation...my roommate tapes a note to my door. "I hereby give David Michaels 30 days notice to vacate the premise. His last day of residency will be September 30, 2005."

WHAT?!?!

Okay, some background info first: I've ALWAYS paid rent and utilities on time (if not early). I do more chores around the house than her. I keep the place clean. I've been EXTREMELY flexible and cooperative with her. (She's very selfish and one-sided...refuses to compromise on ANYTHING--too many stories to list.) I keep to myself most of the time. I try to be friendly with her, but she's very business-only with me. And now, without any apparent reason or explanation given, she wants me to move out.

Technically, she has every right. It's her place and I'm in a month-to-month lease.

So NOW I have to find somewhere new to live too.

Add that to the list. No income, uncertain future financial status, and short on funds. My friend (who has since disappeared entirely on me--the guy who invited to move out here and do mortgages with him) owes me a few hundred dollars for a website client I did for him, over a year ago. He gave me half of it when I got here (only because I nagged him), and even that bounced! So add an NSF fee to that. I have another friend who owes me $300 for something else. I know he'll pay me eventually, ...but when? And then I got hit with an unauthorized $330 debit on my bank account, which I'm in the process of disputing, but to be honest...I'm not sure I'll get that back either.

It's funny. Ironic, really. A year or so ago, *I* was the one who owed everybody money. I got drowned in credit card debt and, due to a variety of circumstances and issues, was unable to keep up any longer. Now the creditor thing is over ... and now it's other people owing ME money. lol. Except I always paid back my friends first. Visa and Mastercard are a business. They charge interest, because they know some people won't/can't pay. They have insurance. Tax write-offs. And in the end, they sell off the debt to a debt collector, and still make their money back.

Anyway, I digress.

I'm trying very, very hard to make things work in life right now. And to be honest, I'm learning very, very well that I really have no power at all over anything that matters.

One might say God's taking everything away from me. At least for now.

He wants me to trust Him.

Completely. For everything.

That's what He's been continually telling me in prayer. That's what other Christian friends have been confirming. It's what's obvious to me, in life.

Can I do it?

I dunno... Obviously, God never asks anything of us that we can't actually do. Well, yes, technically I could choose to totally trust my Source/Higher Power/God at any time. It's just a decision, after all. That I *can* do. The real question is, do I have the strength to *will* do?

Apparently, I'm told (and believe), whatever my life purpose is, I'm really gonna need this unconditional total trust in God. Apparently, later in life, God's gonna need me to trust Him for much bigger things--and this is just a life lesson I have to learn now, before moving forward.

...
And I'm scared.

No job leads, no new roommate leads, and a WHOLE LOT of uncertainty in my future. Racing towards me, all coming to a head, in less than 30 days.

I'm doing everything I can ... and getting no results. And all the while, God keeps telling me to just stop, relax, and let Him give me what I need. Let Him take care of everything. Be my supplier. Be my provider.

He wants me to receive.

Sometimes in life, we need to take action, work with God, and make things happen. Other times, I'm starting to learn, we just sit back and receive whatever (and whenever) God's gonna give us. After all, we are His children. And He does love us. And He does say to trust him.

And this isn't just found in Christian scripture. The same theme, idea, and message is scattered throughout all kinds of major religions and spiritual paths. People call it different things. "Source" or "The Universe" or "God" or whatever. But the message is that same: "It" is loving, good, constantly creating, and our source for everything we need.

Food, shelter, money, love, relationship connections, and more...

But "knowing" to trust God isn't the same as actually doing it.

And really, I have no excuse. In fact, I might just be insane enough to think that not only is everything gonna work out, but also, something really great is about to happen to me.

I'm not just talking optimistically here.

Here's why: when I first got to California, God told me I'd only be living in this apartment for a few months. I was told that I'd move out "no sooner than the second half of September." I remember specifically telling a few friends this. I didn't understand how or why, but God made it clear to me (on several occassions, in different ways) that I'd only be in this apartment for a little while, and then I'd be moving again.

Except this time, it was implied, to a much better situation.

Apparently, according to my sense and what God's told me, my financial situation drastically starts improving in October. And, it's been suggested to me several times, I might be moving to the Santa Monica / West LA area next. (Which is definitely out of my current budget right now.)

Here I am, less than 30 days away, and I still don't see HOW it's gonna happen.

In fact, I'm having to face my greatest fear: failing utterly in life. Being a bum, being a loser, a total failure...a nothing.

I'm afraid that I won't find a new place and won't have sufficient income to survive. That I'll end up being homeless, living on the beach.

My sister has offered to let me crash at her place if I don't find a new apartment right away. That's great to know, and I'm very thankful and appreciative of her. But she just moved here herself, and I don't want to be a burden on her. Besides, it's not like I want to live on someone's couch, anyway. I guess if worse comes to worse, I know I've got a safe place to sleep, if needed. But I don't want to end up like that. And if it does happen, I don't want to stay that way long.

I have another friend who's offered to let me crash at her place for a night or two, now and then, if needed. She's got a roommate so she can't offer more than that. If it wasn't for her roommate, she said she'd let me stay there as long as needed.

This friend is also a very generous and loving person -- and has many times treated me to lunch, even when I offered (and could afford) to pay anyway.

So already, God's showing me that the worst possible disaster isn't going to happen. I have friends, I have a place to stay, if needed.

And that same intuitive sense that told me I'd be moving in October ALSO told me that that was the beginning of things turning around in life, getting better for me. In life, love, finances, etc.

Obviously, it was right about the moving part. This decision was made entirely without my influence or involvement. I had no say in the matter. (If it were up to me, I'd stay here. It's a pretty beautiful apartment in a decent area of town.) So it told me about this upcoming move. It was right. Why wouldn't it also be right about the other good stuff it foretold me about too?

It all comes down to trust.

Will I completely let go, surrender my life, my very survival, into God's hands ... ?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm losing my mind or already gone crazy.

Normal people don't do this. They work hard, find a job, make it happen...

I've done that before. Normally I can do that. But for some reason, it ain't happening now.

What is happening is an awareness of losing everything...and having the unique opportunity to make the choice to trust in my Higher Power, no matter what.

Could you do it? I'm not sure I can. And so I continue to struggle, continue to feel afraid, continue to spin my wheels trying to make things happen.

When all the while I know that if I could just let go and Let God, ... I'd have no control over the outcome, but at least I'd have peace and tranquility in the present.

So that's my struggle, that's my fear. Trusting in something I can't see or touch. Trusting in something I can't control.

Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I'm about to have a personal-spiritual breakthrough, and really grow in life.

I want to trust God, completely, totally, unconditionally. I want that sense of peace and certainty that comes in trusting in a source greater than yourself.

I'm just so scared.

But part of me laughs, part of me smiles. Because I do have just enough faith to believe that maybe things really are gonna turn out great--and a month or so from now, I'm gonna look back and say, "What was I so worried about?"

And there's evidence of God being worthy of trusting.

No seriously, I mean more than just what the preachers tell us the Bible says. lol.

There's been several times in my past, where I was worried about food and shelter. But something always worked out. I've never spent one night on the streets. Never gone one day without food. I've always had at least *some* money (even if only in the single digits--lol).

And about a month ago, God threw a little surprise blessing in my life, too! Without trying, without looking--I met a really cool girl. Really cool girl.

Her name is Katey, for all you inquiring minds, and we started out just as really good friends. But then "more than friends" feelings started developing, and we decided to experiment with dating. It's a unique relationship, but one we both enjoy greatly. And quite honestly, she's been a HUGE support in these frightening times for me.

Almost like God knew what was coming...and sent me a friend/girlfriend to help make the journey a little easier.

She, too, hears God when she prays. (Actually, we have a LOT in common--never met anyone quite like her before.) And she's been through an abusive relationship with her mother, too. And all kinds of other similarities that not only make her a good friend and supportive girlfriend...but it helps her to understand me and relate to me in a way that no one else really could. She's not just some girlfriend that helps "distract" me from my problems. She actually helps me through them.

"Hello!" lol. God's ALWAYS taken care of me before. WHY do I still choose to listen to my fears, rather than years of history and a proven track record, of why God can and should be trusted?

I must be crazy. Not in trusting God totally for everything...but for NOT trusting Him, after all this time and life experience. LOL.

..

I don't know what's gonna happen next, or how things are gonna work out, or even IF they will work out. But this is my life journey. This is where my life has brought me.

Act in faith or live in fear?
Try to control my life without any real power--or surrender that control to Someone who really has all the power?

I must embrace the uncertainty, as fearful as that might be.
And I must trust that God will always take care of me, like He's been doing all along...

[selah]

But I'm still scared. Because I am only human.

"Each time he said, 'My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me."
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NLT)

Sincerely,
David Michaels
September 5, 2005

6 Months (in Retrospect)

2005-07-04T06:07:11Z

A little over 6 months ago (on December 7th, to be exact), I wrote about what I'd do and how I'd live my life, if I knew I only had 6 months to live...

Fortunately, I'm still alive and well. But I'm gonna take this time to reflect back and look at the things I said I'd do...and see how I did, over this last six months...

1. I wanted to fall in love and get laid. Well, that still hasn't happened. Fortunately, I did have a few brief (but pleasant) relationships in there. Nothing more than kissing, though. Honest! And I wouldn't say anybody had fallen in love. One girl was just a "friends with benefits" type relationship. The other lived a couple hours away, and our relationship only officially lasted 24 hours. (Although, we had a "fling" type thing for about a week.) :)

2. I wanted to fight back against abusers. I've been doing that to an extent, helping support people through various e-mail support groups. I don't know how many (or how much) I'm helping, but some have commented how they appreciate reading what I have to say. I've also been encouraging and supportive of my own friends and peers, when similar abusive or dysfunctional relationship issues come up. So I'm gonna give myself credit for reaching this one, at least in part.

3. I wanted to move back West. Tada! I just did it! :) And it feels so good to be back in California. It feels right this time. :)

4. I wanted to swim in the ocean, preferrably Pacific. I haven't gotten the chance to do that yet. (I just got here last week and started working right away.) But I'm actually thinking about going to the beach tomorrow. (Actually stepping into the cold water is another story. lol.)

5. I wanted to help someone be successful. I didn't realize how much of an influence I am on some people...but I have one friend in particular who's commented on how I've been a huge influence on him, and he attributes becoming successful in his business venture (in part) to my influence and contribution in his life. Awesome!

6. I wanted to time-travel. Well, hmm... I haven't invented a time machine yet, so I can't count this one. lol.

7. I wanted to develop my psychic abilities. Thanks to a little more opening up, practice with others, and regularly participating on paranormal investigations (and using my skills in real-world application), I honestly believe my skills/abilities have gotten a little better, stronger, and more accurate than before. Kudos!

8. I wanted to better myself. That's obviously an on-going process, but I'm gonna give myself credit on this one too. I've come a long way in personal growth and development, even within these past six months. (Experienced huge breakthrough and growth about 2 months ago, too, actually!)

9. I wanted to accept death. Apparently I hadn't already done so at the time, but now, I honestly feel I have. I see death differently now. I'm convinced it's not an ending...nor a beginning. To me, death is just a whole lot of transformation over a very short period of time. And that's nothing to fear or resist, I believe.

10. And lastly, I wanted to get better at following my heart and intuition. Again, thanks to practice and some real-life testing and application...I have been getting much better at it. Yay! A gold star for David! lol. :-p

So out of 10 items, I can give myself credit for 7 of them! I think that's really good.

Right now, at the moment, I'm too tired to think about where I'd go from here--how I'd choose to spend my next 6 months, if that's all I had left to live for. Maybe I'll think about it for a while and add something later. For now, I just wanted to recap and reflect back on this previous journal entry.

Thanks!

Namaste,
David

Home in California

2005-06-29T04:03:52Z

I made it safely to southern California. The tire has a slow leak, but only needs new air every few days. It lasted me the rest of my trip.

Today I started my new job, as a mortgage broker. My boss is really cool and the job isn't all that bad. I gotta talk to strangers on the phone, ask a lot of personal financial questions, and stuff like that. But hey--if they want a loan, that's what they need to give me! lol. It's actually not that bad, if you're not afraid to talk with people in a casual way over the phone. And best part is, as long as I get done what I need to do, I can pretty much set my own schedule. Take off a day when I need to. Come in early or later. Whatever. :) It's hard work and commission-only. That means no guaranteed paycheck. So I only get paid when I do the work. But that's what I like. 'Cause if I work harder and more, I can make a lot more too.

It's a totally new field for me, so I've got a learning curve to go through. But every new job is like that. And the perks definitely outweigh any awkwardness as I learn this new trade.

My apartment is beautiful, I have my own room, my own bathroom, AND I get to park inside a garage for the first time in my life. My roommate is pretty cool and it's in a good area of town. I'm pretty close to major freeways, too...as well as plenty of shopping centers, restaurants, etc.

It's work and it's part of growth--which is why I came out here, to continue growing--but it's worth it. I'm always encouraging myself to grow and expand beyond what I am or used to be. We're the authors of our own lives. Why not make it a good story?

I'm doing a lot of new things, opening my mind and experiences to new possibilities, and ever pushing myself forward. I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to live in lack, either. So I'm doing what others won't; I'm not settling for less just because it's easier, more comfortable, or more convenient. I believe the great things in life are worth waiting and working for. I don't want to end up a broken man with broken dreams. Even if I never fulfill my dreams...at least I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I gave it my damnest effort.

Now...in all those growth and self-expansion...I wonder how far and how much. And what areas of life. Sure, I'm growing spiritually, financially, socially... but what about sexually? Do I have the courage to face my irrational fears and overcome the negative conditioning I received all my life? Am I willing ...? i.e., will I ever get laid? LOL

Someday, I'm sure. With someone beautiful and special, I desire.

But am I just dreaming hopelessly of a fantasy relationship that will never come to be? Or is there someone out there really, truly worth waiting for?

I have not the answers.

-David

From Vega, TX

2005-06-25T03:35:02Z

11:08 PM Central Time
Vega, Texas

I'm about half way through my trip across the country. Half way. I've still got about 1200 miles to go. I just went through Amarillo, Texas, which is in the panhandle of this very, very large state. I'm about 60 minutes from the next town over, which is in New Mexico.

This road trip has been quite an adventure so far. I'm hoping it will be less exciting from now on. lol.

I made great time getting out of Florida. Hit some heavy rain showers, but that was about it. Even though I left later on Wednesday than I planned, I still was ahead of schedule by the time I hit Pensacola. So I kept going. And didn't want to stop anywhere in Mississippi, so I ended up pushing myself all the way to Baton Rouge, LA. Around 1:30 in the morning (2:30 AM EST), I found the "cheapest" hotel around. After taxes, about $62. And it was a Super 8 Motel. Not exactly a Hyatt or Marriot. And the room was hot and stuffy when I got in, too. I crashed on my bed, but was so wound up from the drive (and forcing myself to stay awake), I had trouble sleeping. Got maybe 4 hours in, all totaled.

A group of internet friends (fans of the "What the Bleep Do We Know?" movie) had a regularly scheduled meet-up that Thursday night...in Dallas, TX. I figured if I made good time, I'd join them. If not, find a hotel and get to bed early.

I made perfect timing. And met up with the group just as the others were getting there. I had an AWESOME time hanging out with them. We went to Chillis afterwards, and ended up all gathered, talking in the parking lot until around 1 AM or so.

On top of that, one of the ladies (she's retired) offered to have my crash at her place. I was told she'd be devastated if I said no, so I politely thanked her and agreed. Her house was BEAUTIFUL. Wow. So many ideas for when I get my own dream house. No way to describe it. It was a relatively small house--but so very well done. She even had speakers playing peaceful nature music throughout the house, all night long. (I, of course, could adjust the volume in my room.) She had a beautiful "fairy garden" outside, too, which I have to admit was a VERY peaceful place to sit. She even fed me breakfast and I enjoyed a good conversation with her for a few hours this morning.

Then it was on the road again... I took I-35 north to Oklahoma City, so I could catch the I-40 westbound. That way I avoid as much of Texas as possible. (Driving through Dallas was a stressful adventure all its own!) Also, it's more scenic through New Mexico and Arizona along I-40.

But not 30 miles into Oklahoma and I get pulled over for speeding! Argh! Normally I do 5-10 mph over the limit...like everybody else. But at that moment, I happened to be going 15 over. It was the middle of nowhere. Straight, wide-open roads. No traffic. Etc. Oh well. Apparently Oklahoma doesn't have many ways to generate revenue, so traffic fines are a big industry. lol. Guess how much I owe? About $190! *sigh* Oh well. It's my fault. I shouldn't have been speeding. I drove slower the rest of the day. Got pissed off when others whizzed by at 90 mph. Why me? lol.

AND THEN traffic came to a screeching stop! For an hour.

The reason? A few miles up ahead, the road was cut down to one lane. Construction, apparently. And that was enough to back up the interstate for miles, where no one moved. Stop. Creep forward an inch. Stop again. Wait a minute. And repeat!

Finally out of Oklahoma, I stop for some gas in Texas. And I notice something with my car.

The back left tire is unusually low.

Great. Just great. Perfect!

You see, I have a "spare" tire...in my trunk...buried under all my clothes and boxes. But it's *just* the tire. Not the rim. Thank you Wal-Mart, for changing my tires.

Fortunately, the tire didn't look totally flat. I could tell there was some wearing on the sides; I don't know how long it's been this low. But I put some air in the tire. And watched it. It seemed to hold. Okay, okay. Maybe it's just a slow leak.

I waited another minute, checked the integrity of the tire (last thing I need is a blow-out in the middle of the friggin' desert!), and decided to keep going. For 20 miles. Stopped at a gas station and checked the tire again. Still looks good. It's probably just a slow leak. May need to put air in it every so often, but it should be okay to keep going.

I drove another 40 miles. Stopped at a Comfort Inn. Tire still looks the same. I'm checked into my room now, which (very cool) has wireless internet included. :) Hence this mid-adventure report.

There was also a really big storm on the horizon. With lots of lightning. And wide, wide, very wide flat plains all around. I ain't taking no chances. Good night, please. :)

Tomorrow morning I'll take a look at the tire again. There's a gas station across the street with an air pump if needed. Hopefully this tire won't be a problem. But if it's gonna be, it needs to do it tonight. While I'm still in town. Well, I guess this is a town. So far all I've seen in this hotel, the gas station, and a restaurant.

And I'm already really, really tired of driving. I'm not doing this again for a long, long time. And not without a better, more reliable car.

When I'm not in a dead zone, I can be reached on my cell. 813-451-9680. That number will change in a few days to a week, once I get settled in my new place in California. I anticipate that it'll be another two full days, possibly part of a third day, before I get to Riverside, CA.

I hope I make it. I have to make it.

lol. All part of the life adventure, huh? :)

After this trip, I think I'm good on adventures for a while... hehehe.

Wish me luck! See ya later,
David

Important Update: David's Moving Again

2005-06-10T18:57:41Z

...this time, there's no turning back.

I just realized that I haven't updated my livejournal in a while...and some of you may not have heard that I'm moving, to California, again.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. "Again?" lol.

This all happened pretty quickly. But here's the highlights: my friend is a mortgage broker out there, and has an open spot for me to come work with him. It's straight commission, hard work, but excellent pay! I got a 2 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment lined up pretty quickly and easily, too. I'm sharing it with someone. It's actually a townhouse. The pictures look BEAUTIFUL. I'll be able to park my car inside a garage, too. And have a washer and dryer inside. And a pool and spa right around the corner. And my own private bedroom and bathroom. A MAJOR upgrade from my current living situation.

Still, I really, really am gonna miss my current roommate. He's an awesome guy. And I'm going to miss all my friends out in Florida so much, too. This is actually an emotionally difficult move for me. I don't want to leave so many good people and things behind.

But I honestly believe it's the right time, right place, and (perhaps for the first time) for the right reasons, too.

Before I moved as a way to change things up, escape from painful memories, or try to get a fresh start in life. That works for a while, but the problem is...my problems were inside ME, not the geographic location. So no matter where I went, my problems came with me.

But I'm so happy to report that I've finally found the healing that I need. I'm still growing, and still cleaning up a few old emotional wounds. But for the vast overall majority, I'm doing fantastic! And I found a peace within myself, to where it didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. I was okay with myself. I like Florida. It's okay. My dreams aren't here. My heart asks for California. But if I had to stay in Florida, I'd be okay with it. I don't "have" to move to California this time. I want to, and the opportunity came up so that I could.

So I am.

It's scary...because this is a "no turning back" situation. I'm gonna have to work somewhere, somehow, no matter what state I'm in. And yeah, "California's more expensive," but everything's relative, and the pay's higher out there too. I'll be moving back to Riverside (really close to where I first lived, actually) and rent there is pretty comparable to Tampa anyway.

I can't keep going to school just to live off financial aid. I've taken all the classes that interest me at this point. It's time I moved on with my life. It's really easy, convenient, and comfortable to stay in Florida. It's definitely the easier path.

... but I don't grow much that way.

So here I go. Scared, nervous, excited, anxious, looking forward to it, hopeful, optimistic, sad, happy...a whole bundle of emotions! lol. Wish me luck. And btw, as a mortgage broker, I'll be able to do loans in all but two states. So even though I'm physically in California, I'll still be able to do your Florida loans. And pretty much anywhere else you may decide to buy a home. So keep me in mind, k? I'll hook you up with a good deal. :) Same goes for any friends you refer to me, too. It's all good. lol.

Anyway, I'll be hitting the road around June 24th, give or take a day. I start the next chapter in my life by July 1st.

Wish me luck.

And best of luck to all of you! :)

-David

Breaking Out of My Shell

2005-06-10T18:29:33Z

My roommate's best friend is getting married tomorrow (Saturday). So last night, we had a bachelor party.

Normally the groom would want to go to a strip club or something, but I'm glad we ended up doing something else. We went to a club in Ybor City, called the "Amplitheater." I've never been to a club before. We also had a VIP section reserved for us, with expensive alcohol included (not for free, of course). I was told there'd be lots of hot girls hanging out with us. (Hey, it was a bachelor party, right?) This whole scene is pretty new for me. For those of you who know me, I'm not much of a drinker or clubber. I don't normally do big loud parties, make out with total stranger girls, or anything like that. But I'm growing, willing to expand myself, and explore into new territory. Last night was such an opportunity. I set my primary object to just have fun. But I also wanted to try to open up more, practice flirting with girls, etc.

Here's a copy of an IM conversation I just had with one of my friends. It'll let you know how my night went. :)

--Begin--
David: woohoo!
David: David had an adventure last night! :)
Alyson: OMG TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED!!!!
David: hehehe
Alyson: spill!!!!!!!!!
David: well, for the first time going to a club, I had fun
David: went out of the dance floor, just got into the music, had fun
David: :)
Alyson: SWEET...
Alyson: any action??
David: since it was a bachelor party, we had a VIP section reserved upstairs
David: and the manager at the club sent up a bunch of hot girls
Alyson: SWEET
David: most of which either didn't stay long, or didn't talk to us...just drank out expensive alcohol!
David: lol
David: but
Alyson: LOL
Alyson: buuuut??
David: there was this one hot blonde that I liked,
Alyson: and?
David: (I tried talking to several girls...a few actually keep talking or stayed around)
David: this one girl, Cathy she said her name was...
David: somehow the waitress convinced her to take a body shot off of me
Alyson: HOT
David: there's like these long narrow glasses...look like test tubes, lol. the waitress put two into my pants
Alyson: OMG!@
David: and the waitress and the girl both went down and grabbed it out of my pants with their mouths at the same time
David: then I had to take a body shot off of the blonde... the glass was stuck between her breasts
David: lol
Alyson: KICK ASS
David: people took pictures too...but I have no idea if I'll ever see them
Alyson: I want tos ee themn!!
David: I was the designated driver...and I really don't feel like drinking any more...but that one shot (tasted good) but started to mess with my brain for a bit
Alyson: LOL
Alyson: buzzin a bit, eh??
David: if I get a copy of the pics, I'll send them over.
Alyson: you have to!:)
David: eh, just feeling a little foggy about about 30 minutes or so
Alyson: but dang...you did body shots!!
David: while I was outside on the balcony getting some fresh air,
David: this other really hot girl...obviously drunk...came out too
Alyson: and??
David: her and her roommate were talking. "It's my 21st birthday" she kept saying
David: lol
Alyson: lol!
David: I was doing some small talk
Alyson: but no action??
David: and she asked me to come closer, because she couldn't see me
David: lol
Alyson: LOL
David: I was thinking about trying to see if I could come up with an excuse to kiss her
David: but she was smoking!
Alyson: oh gross
David: yeah
David: but good thing though,
David: because her boyfriend came out a minute or two later
Alyson: OH NO!! haha!!!!!
David: saw me standing close to her and said, "Dude, that's my girlfriend. Keep 5 feet away from her, please, dude!"
David: lol
Alyson: .wow!!!
David: I was like, "It's cool man. I'm not messing around." and all three of us (the girl, her roommate, and I) explained that she asked me to come that close.
Alyson: possessive, eh??
David: still, I slowly backed off a bit and let them be. lol
Alyson: yeah no shit!
Alyson: shady situation!
David: danced some more
Alyson: fun:)
David: saw a guy do a dance/performance with fire
David: it was pretty cool
Alyson: wicked!!
David: then when everybody was dancing in the center again, they blasted nitrogen on all of us. it was cold (felt good) and literally whited-out everything. couldn't see a thing
David: lots of fun
David: and towards the end, back upstairs in VIP,
David: I ran into the blonde girl again
David: she was much more intoxicated now
David: I sat down next to her, put my arm around her...
Alyson: smoothe!
David: trying to be cool...figure out this whole flirting thing
Alyson: lol!
Alyson: you're so cute!
David: we talked a bit
Alyson: and?
David: she's from Tallahassee (about 4.5 hours from here), goes to school there. hospitality major. could've graduated by now, but was afraid of the real world, so held off one class for another semester. she'll be graduating in December. but for the summer, she's staying in Orlando, and just visiting Tampa this weekend
David: she's also on the Dean's list, which she said meant she had a 3.5 GPA minimum.
David: (hot and smart...I sure know how to pick 'em, huh?) ;)
David: then my roommate helped me out. he had a camera phone and somehow convinced her to kiss me on the cheek so he could take a picture
David: got her to do it twice
David: then it was my turn to kiss her on her cheek
David: which I did, had a little fun (slipped a little tongue under the kiss...just enough to feel) lol
David: gave her my business card too, asking her to e-mail me the pictures she'd taken of us on her digital camera.
David: I have no idea if she'll remember who the hell I am, though. lol.
Alyson: sweet!...that's pretty hot!
David: thanks :)
David: and BIG, BIG steps for me
Alyson: I know! I"m SOOO proud!!
David: some of the other guys were taking body shots off of girls stomaches and eating whip cream off of them, too
Alyson: yummy
Alyson: sounds fun and dirty@
Alyson: what about the groom??
David: they got a little crazy with it, too. funny stuff. but I'm quite satisfied with the adventuring I did on my own
David: lol
David: we left the groom completely unconscious at a friend's house. we could barely get him to walk.
David: so he apparently had a good time too
Alyson: OH NO!!!!
Alyson: I am SO glad Mike [Alyson's husband] didn't do that!
David: we stopped at the casino after the club closed, too
Alyson: oh my :)
David: I lost my $25 (my spending limit)
Alyson: sucks
David: but, one of the guys just whipped out a $100 bill when we got there... just gave it to us each
David: I asked what it was for, he just shrugged and gave it to me.
David: cool
David: (I said thanks, obviously)
David: so even though I lost $25, I still kept the $100
David: oh, and at the VIP at the club...with all the body shots and stuff, suddenly the waitress turns to me and says "15." I'm like, "huh?" "$15," she said.
Alyson: wow...$15 for that...wow...
David: I know my roommate had to spend $300 for the VIP area, and drinks were supposed to be applied towards that tab. but apparently, as I found out, the waitress is a separate thing. fortunately I had a $20 bill on me. I asked for change, she refused to give it to me, said she had to run to the bathroom... I wanted my $5 change. I'd tip her. but finally I just gave up and realized it wasn't worth fighting over. so she took my whole $20.
Alyson: wow...what a bitch!
Alyson: I would NEVER do that.
Alyson: what spendy night!
David: so for $20, I got to drink a shot myself (from the blonde's cleavage), and had the two girls take the body shots off of me... (the waitress even drank one of the shots that I ended up paying for!)
David: anyway
David: $20 cash at the club, $25 at the casino...but kept the $100 bill...so I still came out ahead, $55 profit for the night ;) :-p
Alyson: LOL
David: oh,
Alyson: very business minded, aren't you?? haha...I still can't believe that...
David: and I got to drive this giant truck. 10 cylinder. holds like 8 people or something. it was like a bus! lol
Alyson: on FUN!
Alyson: oh*
David: it belonged to one of the guys, but I was the DD, so I ended up driving it. that was fun, too. I got the hang of driving the larger vehicle pretty quickly though, partly thanks to my truck driver training
Alyson: lol! yeah....
David: :-D
David: actually, one reason he felt safe letting me driving it was because I held a truck driver's license. he worked for the highway safety department or something like that, too. so he knew I had to have a good driving record to get a CDL
David: but normally he doesn't let other people drive his big truck
David: that we all called a bus. lol
David: :-p
Alyson: well, and I"im sure he wanted to get wasted! haha...sounds like you ahd a blast!
David: yup
David: we got home around 6:15am
David: :)
Alyson: DANG
Alyson: that's when my alarm went off...
Alyson: well...HERE anyway
David: my roommate and another guy (who crashed her for the night) are still sleeping,
David: probably gonna wake up with a major hang over, too. because neither one of them drank much water last night
David: lol
Alyson: wow
Alyson: oh yeah, seriously
David: but I had fun, which was my primary objective for the night
David: :)
Alyson: excellent:-D
David: and I expanded myself, opened up, tried exploring some new territory... I think I did well
David: :)
David: so, mission accomplished :-p
David: heheh
Alyson: I wasn't even there, and I think you did well!
David: I was hoping to kiss a girl on the lips. the blonde seemed like a good kisser, based on how she kissed my cheek
Alyson: dang
David: but I don't think even the "experienced" guys kissed any girls on the lips
David: then again, they all had serious girlfriends too
David: lol
David: oh, oh
David: and get this
Alyson: yeah...which would be bad
Alyson: what?
David: at the end, sitting with the blonde...
David: I asked if she had a boyfriend. I didn't want a repeat of earlier that night with Mr. Possessive
David: she said no.
David: I was like, "okay, just making sure nobody's gonna come up and punch me." lol
David: she lightly hit me on the side of my face, with a mock punch
David: then she asked if I had a girlfriend
David: "nope, no girlfriend."
David: "why not?" she asked, seeming a little surprised. (so flattering!) :)
Alyson: :-D
David: I could've said a whole variety of things: haven't met the right person, just laying low...I'm moving to California...whatever!
David: but I didn't
David: I was smoooooth.
David: I came up with this on the fly!
Alyson: I'm so proud of you...
David: I said, "good timing, I guess."
David: she laughed.
Alyson: WOW!
David: hehehe
David: impressed with me? :-D
David: I'm proud of that one. heheh LOL
Alyson: I am very impressed:-D
David: so that was my night
David: and being sober the whole time...I get to remember everything! :)
Alyson: :-D:-D:-D I'm so proud of you, I know I said that...but it's awesome
David: thank you :)
David: *hugs*
David: I'm proud of me too
David: slowly trying to come out of my shell, get past YEARS of negative conditioing, open up, etc...
David: but my #1 goal was to have fun, which I did.
--End--

So there you have it. :) Life's an adventure! :-D

-David

How?

2005-06-08T13:50:03Z

I am so powerless. I wish I could help. But I don't know how...

I'm happy to report that personally, I'm doing great! I've moved through a lot of my issues and emotional wounds. I've accepted myself and what's happened to me. I've actually come to forgiveness. I've healed significantly. I feel good again. I enjoy living again. I feel great, actually. There's hope. There's joy. There's peace again.

I had a lot of helping getting here, though. I had very supporting friends. I had the unique pleasure of being able to connect with and hear God counsel and encourage me through my trials. I've always been introspective, quick and eager to grow, and willing to work on myself in the effort to create a better quality and experience of life. I refuse to settle. I refuse to accept defeat. I refuse to stay miserable or in pain. So I fought. So I struggled. So I worked on it until I finally broke through--and won.

I like myself again. I like my life again. Very few of my close friends realize how bad and dark things got for me for a while. But I made it through. :)

Thank you, to all who helped in big ways and small, whether you were conscious of it or not.

But the journey is not over. Having gone through what I went through, my heart is more sensitive to the needs of others in a similar spot. I've joined a few abuse support e-groups. I try to be encouraging, supportive, offer advice from my own experiences, etc. Others do the same. Sometimes we're able to help someone. Sometimes, it's just redundant words.

My heart really does go out to these people. Especially those who had it much worse than I ever did. I mean, I went through some hell for a short period there...but it was nothing compared to what other people have gone through (and continue to go through) for so much longer. I can't tell you how good it makes me feel when someone says, "that's it, no more, I'm leaving (this abusive relationship)!" One of the hardest things an abused person can do is stand up for themselves and get out of the abusive situation. But I find it's also the most important thing an abused person can do.

You have to love yourself first. Give yourself the chance for a better life, a better relationship, and better environment. No one deserves to be constantly belitted, rejected, criticized, judged, beaten, neglected, falsely accused, raped, injured, emotionally/mentally/spiritually and/or physically destroyed. No one. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU'VE DONE IN LIFE...NO ONE deserves that.

Yet people find themselves in this relationships and environments...and never get themselves out.

It breaks my heart. It really does.

And then there's times, like this morning, I get a letter in one of my support e-groups, that says:

"Why I do this to myself? I dunno. I banged my head with [person's] hammer. It dosen't hurt. Then I started cutting. I think I'm going anorexic again. I'm trying to eat a little bit. I know I've been doing this to myself. I don't really want to be alive. I have felt this way since 1994."

That was the entire e-mail. The subject was titled "self abuse."

Obviously it's a cry for help. I know, because I've been there. I know what it feels like to "not want to be alive." The pain is so deep, and seems so never ending, that death is welcome. She's not suicidal. Not yet, anyway. I can tell by her words, believe it or not. But what this person IS doing is slowly trying to destroy herself, because she hates herself and her life that much.

I feel like crying, for her. This totally anonymous and perfect stranger. I wish I could help...but how?

What can I say that hasn't already been said a thousand times on this e-group? What can I tell her that will encourage her, inspire her, or help her find meaning in her life again?

Nothing. Because when you're in that state, it doesn't matter what others say. You've already got a bad voice playing over and over again in your own mind. You may or may not be conscious of it. But basically, it says things like, "you're not worthy, you don't deserve better, you're worthless, life is pain, you won't ever get anything better than what you've already got..."

And when people say, "you gotta love yourself or forgive yourself," the person knows they're right...but doesn't know how or feels incapable of doing so. When people say, "you do deserve better, you are worth something," the person wants to believe them...but can't help but feeling the opposite.

The only way I changed, the only way I got out of my dark rut, is when *I* decided I was going to beat this, that I was going to fight it, that I was not going to allow this pain to continue. I had to decide for myself that I wanted something better...and I had to decide to fight for the chance of something better.

It's tempting to tell a person like her (in the e-mail) to see a counselor, professional help.

Well, as someone who actually did go to see several counselors...let me tell you, save your money. I've had friends see counselors too, for issues like this, and they have felt the same dissatisfaction. Counselors are good when you need a listening ear, to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Counselors are good for offered a neutral, third-person perspective on things.

But when it comes to real issues, deep wounds... let's just say I haven't met one that was effective at all. I learned why, though. Apparently they're trained and taught to counsel a certain way.

I remember one time I was really struggling through something, and I met with a counselor to try to help me get over this block. I told her my story, what led to what, what I'm trying now, what I want to break through... I told her that I'm tired of talking about my problems, I want tools to help me work through them and overcome them. So you know what she told me? After I spent a full hour sharing my story? She said to "reflect" on everything I've said. That's it. I asked about some tips, strategies, tools, or suggestions how I might be able to approach this problem. She offered nothing. She was literally no more than a listening ear, and I question how "well" she was listening in the first place.

Frankly, I have private journals and personal friends that I can talk to, when I need a "listening ear." I needed more than that, and I clearly expressed that. I didn't need to "reflect" on the issue any more. I'd been doing that for a long time. I wanted to proactively take steps in the direction of healing and resolution. Not dwell more on a story I've told a thousand times by then.

It's frustrating. I've really come to believe that change and healing comes from within. Friends and other sources can often help support or encourage you, offer suggestions of what's worked for them, etc. But nothing changes until YOU decide to.

You have to decide enough is enough, you demand better out of life, and you won't tolerate the abuse any longer.

You have to decide that although you may not like yourself right now, you believe that maybe one day you can or will, and are willing to work towards achieving that day, doing whatever it takes to get there.

It's not easy. It's very hard. But, I now find and experience, it's worth it. I'm worth it. :)

I wish I could tell this girl in the e-mail that she's worth it too. But won't hear that. She won't see that. She's heard it so many times already. She's probably even told others the same for them. But she doesn't believe it. Not for her. If she did, she couldn't be beating herself with a hammer, drawing cuts in her flesh, or slowly trying to starve herself to death.

Jesus was lucky. A simple touch and you were healed. I wish I had that power.

But I don't. I only have the power to walk beside someone, as (and only when) they decide to take the journey themselves.

David Michaels
June 8, 2005

Some Other Updates...

2005-03-31T22:32:17Z

It's been a while since I updated my livejournal, so here's a few things going on in my life, just in case anyone was interested. :)

My web business, www.astralzone4.com, is doing awesome. Better than expected in some ways, poorer than expected in others. According to Alexa.com (an independent website ranking and tracking company), my site is currently ranked in the top 120,000 websites out of ALL the websites currently on the Internet. There's an estimated 7-8 million websites online right now, with a new one going up every 30 seconds, I believe the statistic goes. My site is logging 10,000+ unique visitors (actual people) to my website every month. This month, March 2005, I got about 11,000 people. (Still waiting for the final visitor count to come in at the end of the day.) That's incredible! These people are coming from all over the world, too!

Out of those, some people are actually buying subscriptions. I'm still doing a lot of testing and experimenting, finding what works and what people want and how much they're willing to pay for it.

I've also hired on some new writers. I'm paying them on a profit-sharing basis. The site is actually producing a small profit already, too.

So that's good. The sales conversion rate (number of sales out of number of visitors) isn't as high as I was expecting. So I'm not generating the amount of income my business plan had calculated for (even using conservative numbers). But it's fun and I enjoy doing it, building it up. And who knows what this will lead to.

Semi-related to that, I'm looking into a possible career for me. Honestly, this scares the living be-geezus out of me. lol. I'm thinking about applying my talents as a screenwriter.

Here's my reasoning: I love to write, I do it for fun, and I've been doing it for 11 years now. I've gotten good. My recent stories have gotten some amazingly positive feedback from total strangers. And I know my stories are marketable, because of how well my site is doing--and the fact that some people have paid money to read my stories.

Writing feels good. I enjoy it. I get excited about it. I'm naturally talented at it. So why not do something with it?

Here's the flip side: making it as a screenwriter seems to be an extremely difficult task. At any given time, there's literally 50,000 to 100,000 screenplays floating around Hollywood, wanting to be bought. Agents are flooded by would-be screenwriters, too, and as such are hard to get a hold of, hard to get to respresent you. There's no guarantee I'd ever sell a single story. There's no reason to believe I'd ever make it as a writer.

That's what scares me. As I think about it, a career as a screenwriter is a perfect fit for me. But I'm afraid that if I invest my heart into this, and I'm not good enough... I don't make it, I fail miserably... That failing at ANOTHER dream would possibly be too painful and difficult for me.

That's my fear. Putting my heart and soul into it--and finding out I don't have what it takes.

But if it worked? If I did have what it takes? Well, it'd fit perfectly with my dream life. It'd be a dream life.

Pays pretty well, too. They say don't get into screenwriting for the money. Do it because you love doing it; the money will come eventually, hopefully. But even if it doesn't, at least you had fun trying. lol.

But what do screenwriters make?

Well, most of the time, their stories are never bought--they're "optioned." That means a studio pays for the right to decide to buy the story within a certain time period, if they want. But the money paid for the option is non-refundable (they're buying exclusive rights for time to consider). It's a fact that some writers in Hollywood make a living just optioning screenplays that never actually get bought or produced. An option fee is usually around $5,000 to $10,000. But what if a screenplay actually gets bought by a studio or producer? I've read as low as $53,000 for a screenplay sale...and I've seen as high as $5,000,000 (yes, five-million). There's even a case of a script being bought for $3,000,000 and it was never even produced! (The writer keeps the money, regardless if the studio produces it or not.) lol. There's no biz like show biz, right? hahahah.

So theoretically, even if I only sold one screenplay every so many years, I could still make a decent living, on the conservative pay scale. And in the meantime, I'd have fun creating stories and characters that may or may not ever end up on the big screen.

And here's the crazy part: I can write in my spare time if I need to. There's really no risk to me. I can write, get scripts done, and try to get them sold. But it's not like I have to ONLY do that, do or die. But then again, I've been through a lot of other jobs and business opportunities. They drain me. They slowly kill me. I'm miserable. If I don't make it as a screenwriter, in some sense, maybe I do die.

I'm not saying I "have" to be a writer. But I've done a lot of soul-searching lately, and I have learned this about myself: there's three key areas of my life that I have to fulfill and/or express in some way, to feel and be fulfilled myself. They are:

1. Creative Expression - I have to create. I have to be creative. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel good.
2. Spiritual Connection - I'm a very spiritual person. I need to connect and experience and work in some kind of spiritual work, too.
3. Exploration/Adventure - Every now and then, I need to explore, expand, go on some adventures. Keeps me alive, too.

So even if I made it big as a screenwriter, there's still two other elements of my life I'd have to keep in balance.

Currently, building my web business helps take care of #1. Participating on paranormal investigations/ghost hunts takes care of #2. And now and then I do a little road trip, try something new, or step outside my comfort zone, and that covers #3. The first 2 items I have to do pretty regularly to keep me feeling alive and well. The third is necessary, but not as often. :)

Anyway, I'm currently working on a new screenplay. I'm networking with other screenwriters and get myself familiar with the business. We'll see what happens. Emotional support is greatly appreciated, nonetheless. Thank you. :)

In other news, back in December I wrote about what I'd do if I only had "six months" to live. I'd like to share that I'm actually doing some of those things that I came up with. For one, I'm getting much better at following my heart, trusting my instincts/intuition, and helping others. My roommate has told me, numerous times, that I'm a huge positive influence on him, helping him be successful in his business too. That makes me feel good. But I still haven't gotten laid, or moved out west, or done some of the other things. But in the past few months, I have grown and healed a lot. Quite a lot, in some areas.

I'll tell you what I need to focus on now, though. Believing in myself.

I used to have this incredible, unshakeable belief in myself. I could do anything I set my mind to, I felt with convinction. Nothing was impossible.

Well, maybe nothing is impossible. But some things are really, really, painfully hard. And sometimes we don't always win. Sometimes no matter how hard or long we try, no matter how much of ourselves we put into it, no matter how strongly we commit or how hard we work...sometimes it just doesn't happen. Sure, I believe that theoretically, anything's possible. But I'm also more intimately aware now, however, how real and possible failure is too.

I'm not a quitter. Never have been, never will be. Sure, I may say I give up now and then. But I'm only fooling myself, long enough to give me a temporary break, so I can charge up and try it again. lol.

If I'm going to make it as a screenwriter, or business owner, or ANYTHING worthwhile in life, I have to believe in myself. If I don't think I can do it, why would someone else? If I don't think I can do it, will I even try?

So that'll be my focus for now. Believing in myself, even when the road ahead looks long and difficult.

It's funny. People who know me closely usually laugh or want to smack me in the head when I say I don't believe in myself right now. Apparently I'm a source of inspiration for some people. That's awesome...but I have to be honest here. Yeah, for my age, for my circumstances...I've done quite a lot. I've pushed past a lot of obstacles and overcome a lot of trials. But I'm still human, I still have doubts, and I still doubt myself.

I'm working on that. I'm going to do better.

Because I want to. I choose to. So I will.

LOL. I guess I believe in myself enough to know that I can believe in myself more fully, more completely with a little time and test.

Why am I being so honest here, revealing my fears and self-doubts? Because I want others to know they're not alone. I want others to believe in themselves too. I want others to know that we're all human, from Bill Gates to Mother Teresa to a homeless bum living on the streets. I believe that in each of us is a seed for greatness. No one person is more special or more worthy or more deserving than another. Some of us will do great things with our lives, some won't. I hope to be somebody great myself someday, and I'm trying. I may not ever make it. But whether I succeed or fail, I want others to know that I'm really no different than they are. They, too, can make it or fail. They, too, can become great or settle for mediocrity. The choice rests individually with each of us.

That's what I believe.

I hope you choose wisely.

Your friend,
David

Do What's Within to Help Those Without

2005-03-31T20:51:33Z

This may or may not make a whole lot of sense or purpose for some people, especially since it's out of context. But for those of you who are looking, or need to be reminded, here's some interesting insightful notes someone recently shared with me. It's about seeking happiness, success, freedom, and personal fulfillment. Lately I've been meeting a lot of people who start a business, or get into a high-paying (but highly-disliked) career, or pursue some other outside source to fulfill their needs and desires... But recently it was suggested to me that people look at what's already within themselves--their interests, desires, passions, skills, talents, abilities, gifts, etc--and use those to fulfill their personal needs, and also, apply them in such a way that it helps other people fulfill their personal needs as well.

- seeking things outside yourself to fulfill needs inside yourself almost always leads to a self-trap.
don't be one of them.

Like I've met some people who got into a business and worked really hard for a long time, only to finally strike it rich. The only problem is, it's not them. Their heart's not in it. Originally, they started the business to make money to follow their real dreams and passions...but now that they are rich, they can't stop. They have to keep it going. They're trapped.

- using what's within to fulfill the needs within leads to self-stability.
that's being mediocre, average.

That's like an artist painting for him/herself, fulfilling their inner desire to be creative. That's good. They're using an internal talent to fulfill a personal need. But it only helps them. It's not helping anyone else.

- only by using and sharing what's within to help those without will you find true freedom and explosive success.

But if that artist painted and shared it with others, possibly touched or inspired other people with their artwork...then they're fulfilling their own needs (being creative) as well as the needs of other (inspiration, admiration of beauty, emotional connection, etc.) If that artist became hughly successful, they're still fulfilling their own needs, and the needs of others. They're not trapped--because they're doing what's within. They're remaining true to themselves, expressing their true selves, to fulfill themselves and others, with their talent or gift or skill or ability, etc.

So how do you find what that unique gift or special talent of yours is? How does one find what's "within" to fulfill their own needs as well as the needs of others?

The signs are obvious:
-> what turns you on?
-> what turns you off?
-> what gives you joy?
-> what burdens your heart?
-> where/how do you feel most alive/loved?
-> where/how do you feel most dead/unloved?

-- these are "guide posts" to help you on your journey. use them. they're there to help you find the way.

Money is rarely the answer. It's sometimes (often) the result.
The real "answer" is within every person. Unique to every person.

Everyone has needs, including you.
Fulfill those needs. Then help others do the same.

...sadly, there will always be some people who choose to stay trapped.
don't be one of them.
-> everybody was designed to be free. everybody.

So how do we do it?

1. First Step: Be Honest with yourself.
2. Do something about it.
3. Stick to what you know and love, without ceasing to grow and expand.
4. Share it with others.
5. What you put out always comes back to you, one way or another.
6. Allow others to help fulfill your needs too, just as you're helping them.
7. Time moves all things.
8. Continue to give as you receive.
9. Grow and expand and help more people. The more people you help, the more successful you'll be. (Remember, do what's "within" to help those "without.")
10. Love - yourself and others.
11. Don't give up. Don't be afraid to change if one way isn't working, though. Same goal, different route.
12. Enjoy the material and intangible benefits and riches this system will help you receive.

END

To the Friend who shared this with me, thank you.

Random Acts of Kindness

2005-01-26T16:40:08Z

I did the most random and unexpected thing yesterday.

I wasn't planning on it. I wasn't looking for it. I've never done anything like it before...

There I was on Amazon.com, looking up customer reviews on a book I was reading. I was just curious what others thought of the same book. And for some reason, I clicked on the username of one of the customer reviews. It brought up the person's basic amazon.com page, including their wish list. Then it happened. An impulse. A sudden burst of inspiration. I don't know why, I don't know where it came from...but I wanted to buy this lady--a total stranger--a book from her wish list. It was pretty cheap. Came to like $10 after shipping. So I wasn't worried about that. And I thought how cool it would be, if some total stranger bought me something online. So I figured...what the hell!

lol.

I don't know who this lady is. She lives somewhere in Tennessee. I don't know how old she is, what she looks like, if she's married with kids or only a teenager in high school. I have no clue. But I know she wanted this book.

And you know what? It felt really good to buy it for her. She has no idea who I am, so she can't possibly return the favor. She owes me no thanks, no debt, nothing. I gave it just because I wanted to. Because I thought it would be fun to surprise someone with an unexpected gift. And you know what? It feels really great. I want to do it again for someone else.

I'm not bragging or anything like that. Please don't take me wrong. I was actually hesistant to mention this in my journal, because I don't want to seem like I did it for the wrong reasons. But I eventually decided to mention it, because maybe it might inspire someone else to do the same.

I'm not rich, I'm living off of financial aid, there's many luxuries in life I can't afford. But $10 is no big deal. I'm never gonna miss it. I'll still be able to pay rent and buy my groceries. So no big deal.

I hope the person appreciates the gift. I hope she enjoys the book. I hope she feels special, and loved, and good. I hope that maybe she'll be inspired to give an act of random kindness to a stranger she comes across. I hope...but even if not, that's okay. I'm not expecting anything in return; the gift came with no requirements or expectations. So whether she enjoys it or not, whether it inspires her or not...that's fine. I've already gotten my gift. It really, really does feel good to do something like that.

I can't wait to do something like that again. :)

It's almost addicting. lol. But I am on a budget.

Anyway, I've talked enough. Hope you all have a great day.

Peace and God's blessings,
David

Six Months

2004-12-07T15:11:50Z

Some of my innermost thoughts. A rare treat, a clip from my private personal journal...

December 7, 2004
6:22 AM EST
Brandon, FL

I woke up about 15-20 minutes ago. Not sure why. But this entire time, a heavy thought has been on my mind. It is the reason I'm writing this journal entry now.

If I had only 6 or more months to live, what would I do with my life?

I know this is probably triggered by a series of events and circumstances recently in my life. My dad has prostate cancer. I recently saw my grandparents, who are doing good but getting up there in years. I just went on a ghost hunt with a professional paranormal investigation team. I also spent time reviewing gravestones at the nearby graveyard here in Brandon, too. My roommate noticed a small cyst on my back; was worried I needed to get it removed. One of my other friends needed me to pray for some literal life-and-death problem, but wasn't at liberty to share what. And just now, when I woke up, I felt I needed to sit up before I swallowed. Like I'd choke or feel discomfort swallowing. (Not sure why, but in my Life After Death class in the spring semester, one of the case studies was a man with cancer in his esophagus that eventually made it difficult for him to swallow before he died.)

Put all this together and I have a more keen awareness of my own mortality.

I don't know when or how or why I'll die. Or where or with what circumstances. I *think* I'm going to live into my 90's. Just a sense. And other self-claimed psychics imply I'm going to live a long life, too.

But I don't care. Psychics often have trouble accurately reading me. I, myself, misread or misinterpret things at times too. And the fact of the matter is, I literally actually can die from a multitude of causes at any time.

It could be cancer, or a rare disease, or a car collision, or a freak accident, or a crime victim--just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I could trip and fall and gash my head open. I could be bombed or blown up in a terrorist attack. I could get drafted and sent off to war. A comet could fall out of the sky and smash me into dust.

I could die at any time, for almost any reason.

What makes me think I won't or can't? What makes me feel immortal? I'm young. My chances of living are good. But they're only chances. Not guarantees.

And I think my soul is questioning itself. If I were to die soon, have I lived *my* life the way I want to?

Have I?

Although I could spend time reviewing how I have lived, that isn't my motivation here today. I want to decide how I would want to live, if I knew my time was short.

So now I ask myself, again, if I had only six or more months to live...what would I do with the remainder of my life?

The catch is, I probably have at least six months. Possibly less, but most likely at least half a year. But there's no guarantee I'll die then, either. It would be anytime after that. Six months and one day...or six or more years. It could be two decades or more before "it" (whatever's killing me) finally gets me.

So I can't spend money wrecklessly, knowing I'll be gone by the time it runs out.

Yet at the same time, there's no strong motivation to save money and spend conservatively, because I might not be around long enough to enjoy it.

... Time is limited. What do I do?

It's a little scary to think about it. But here's what I can come up with right now.

1. I want to fall in love and get laid. I worked too hard and wasted too many opportunities to share a sexual experience with someone I was romantically involved with. I did it out of two motives: one, fear and guilt, and two, saving myself for my future wife.

My parents did a good job instilling a lot of fear and guilt around the idea of sex. But I don't believe in that any more. Sex can be good and it can be beautiful, I believe.

But I don't want to have sex with just anybody. I want to fall in love, and share sex with that person.

So first I'd need to find somebody to fall in love with. Somebody to share my time and life with. And then, sometime before I die, finally "get laid."

It's an experience in life I've wanted for a long time, but have held out on thus far. Now I'm beginning to question if the waiting and over self-control was worth it. I don't want to die before I finally get to experience this special thing. This thing that means so much, yet for one reason or another, I've held back on for so long. I want my frustrations and promises to myself to be worth it. I want to have turned down all those girls in the past for something.

If I were to die before having sex, I'd probably be okay. But I would regret having not done it.

2. I want to punch my parents. I've come a long way in healing and rebuilding myself from their abuse. I went from feeling guilty and depressed to being angry at how they treated me and made ME feel bad for it! Now I want to go up to them and punch them in the face--or the heart. But I'm not a violent person and I'm not that strong. In a physical match, my dad would whoop my ass.

But I do want to "fight back" somehow. Really, I want to destroy all abusers, in all forms, everywhere. Or at the very least, empower and encourage victims of abusers to fight back or get out--permanently.

The other day I was chatting with someone online. I'm in an e-mail support group called "no_more_abuse." One lady found my screen name through that group and decided to chat. She encouraged me to "stick to my guns" and keep doing good on my own. She, on the other hand, admitted to going back to her abuser. She's been with this guy for like 13 years, I believe she said. Finally she had enough and moved out. She liked being on her own, too, she said. But recently, she came back to him. And the abuse continues.

Abuse comes in all forms, too. Religion is a powerful and common one, that most people overlook. One of my friends recently told me that her roommate was creating problems. Apparently her roommante said my friend wasn't holy enough, and wanted my friend to move out.

Holy enough? Give me a break!

I'm sure Christians aren't the only ones doing this, but they are the most common I see it from, in my personal experience. They use so-called "religion" to judge, criticize, condemn, and separate and outcast others. I saw it plenty of times with my own mom, too. I'm tired of people using religion and "God" to justify hate and war and other forms of interpersonal destruction. That's not what it's supposed to be about. Not at all. "Jesus loves you--that's why he told me to beat you over the head with my Bible." That's not right. It never was and it never will be. Shame on Christians (and others) who use religion to hurt or harm others. Shame...

So anyway, I've been considering turning my painful experiences with abusive, manipulative, overbearing religious control and abuse--and using it to help others.

I've been thinking about going out and speaking to people. Adults, teenagers, both, whomever. I'm not sure what I'd say or how I'd say it. Maybe I'd just share my life story. But I want the abuse to end. I want people who are victims of abusers to find the strength and courage, and self-love, to get out and get away from the abuse. No one deserves to live like that.

So maybe in my limited time, I'd speak on that.

3. I want to move back West and travel up the west coast. California may be expensive and have polluted air, but I love it there. I want to be there, always have, and I'm not sure why. So I'd want to go back there and spend my remaining days, months, years, whatever there. While there, I also want to travel up the west coast. Into Oregon and Washtington state. I hear it's really beautiful up there. I want to see and visit that. And spend some time just soaking it all in and appreciating the beauty of it all. That's what I'd want to do.

4. I also want to swim in the ocean, preferrably Pacific. Not sure why. I'm in Florida now, surrounded by beaches and water. I visit sometimes, but for some reason if I knew I were going to die soon, I'd want to swim in the Pacific Ocean. I also want to swim with the dolphins, too. I hear it's a healing and special experience. Maybe it is. But mainly I think it will just be fun and meaningful.

5. I want to help somebody be successful. As someone who's always had a lot of big dreams and the heart to pursue them, I know how hard and difficult it can sometimes (often) be. I want to help somebody reach their dream, too. Like, open a door of opportunity, or help them see a solution, or make something come together, or something like that. Maybe that could be like my little gift to the world before I leave.

6. If I knew how to, I'd also want to do some exploring by time traveling. Don't laugh; I'm being serious. Time travel has been a dream of mine since I was a kid. Again, don't know why. Don't know how, practically, either. I understand the theory, but that's not important. If there was a way, if I could, I'd want to travel and explore into the past and future. See what I could learn and experience. That's it. Not try to change anything or steal future knowledge to make a fortune. I just want to travel and explore and learn and experience. That's it.

7. I'd want to develop my psychic abilities, too. This may sound like another ridiculous or radical thing to many people, but I'm being honest here. From what I can tell and with my past experiences, it seems I have some degree of intuition and sensitivity to spiritual things. I'd want to develop and strengthen that. I don't really care about reading minds or moving spoons without touching them. That's not important to me. I want to see and experience and know "what's out there," so to say. I want to experience and understand and interact with the spiritual part of this our reality. I want to connect with people on an emotional and soul-to-soul level. I want to help heal wounded hearts, sense intuitive things, and experience a supernatural reality.

I guess, another motive behind this one, is that I've always felt "most alive" when doing this sort of thing. When I try to sense and pay attention to what's going on around me spiritually, when I try to practice using and developing any psychic-type abilities, when I become more involved and connected with a spiritual reality--those are the times I feel most alive, most energized, most full and complete.

So if I were dying soon, I'd probably do that to, at least in part, feel most alive with my remaining time on Earth.

8. I'd also want to better myself. Develop who I am as a person. I'd still want to grow personally, mature, become more patient, more wise, more compassionate, more understanding, more in love with myself, my life, and everyone around me.

9. I'd also want to accept death. Since I'm dying in 6 or more months, I'd want to come to terms with it, make peace within myself, and be ready for it when it comes.

10. Lastly, I'd just want to follow my heart. In this scenario, I've been imagining what I'd do and how I'd live if I only had six or more months to live. I wanted to see and figure it out for myself. I was also hoping to uncover a possible career, a good way to make money, that I felt was worth doing with my life. But I didn't. Maybe that's because I'm already doing my dream, in part. One of my big life dreams has been to start and run an entertainment production company. I have since started one and continue to slowly build it up. It's not the industry giant I dreamed it to be, yet, but it's good enough as it is. Although I can't say for sure, I'd probably continue building it and working on it--but also training a replacement to take it over once I died.

But all in all, I'd want to follow my heart more. Well, fully, actually. I'd want to do things and make decisions that made sense to my heart--even if it didn't make sense in my head or with others. I believe in following one's heart. Not whims on emotions, but the actual inner guidance of your heart and soul.

Sometimes I'm afraid to follow my heart, because it seems to lead me into scary places or certain failure. But I can honestly say that the times I did follow my heart, somehow, everything always worked out just fine.

I want to start living more like that. And I guess if I was going to die soon anyway, I'd more easily be able to follow my heart. I mean, after all, there's not much else left to lose.

That's all. Sure, there's lots of little things here and there. I'd want to say my goodbyes, see my friends one last time, do something fun and crazy, and stuff like that. But, at 7:25 in the morning, I think I said everything that was important for me, if I learned I had limited time left on this Earth.

I'd probably want to teach, inspire others, create new things (probably stories and characters), travel, love deeply, experience more, and stuff like that. I'd want to pass on some of the wisdom and life experience I've gained. But most of all, I'd want to make peace with death and be ready in my heart.

Feel like, if only for a day, I was truly alive.

Sorry to all I've hurt or offended in this life. Thanks to all who have helped, encouraged, and befriended me in this life.

And that's all I have to say, for now.

Signed,
David Michaels
12/7/04

He Speaks!

2004-12-07T00:57:45Z

Donatello, the smaller, rock-eating, food-missing turtle...

...speaks!

It happened tonight, shortly after I shut off their heat and UV lamps. Suddenly I heard this faint squeeking noise. It was coming from my turtle aquarium. I watched and listened closely. Both Donatello and Leonardo were swimming around, having a playful time. But whenever Donatello surfaced for air, he peeked his head up through the water, held it there, and made this cute chirping/squeeking noise. Like he was calling for other turtles or something.

Leo, thus far, seems to be the big, strong, silent type. lol.
Don, on the other hand, is a bit smaller and not quite as bright. (He's the one that ate a rock and used to take several attempts before he could snap at his food.) But now he speaks. It's so cute.

These guys are growing pretty quick, too. Leo's about double the size of when I got him. Donny's a little bigger, too.

I didn't know turtles made noises!

:-p

Oh Yeah, And...

2004-12-01T15:29:51Z

Thanksgiving was...odd. But we're not going to go there.

The day after...there I was, back at Family Christian Stores. I actually had a great time. I got to work with some old friends. Made some new ones, too. We all had a good time. Joked around, played around, worked hard, kept busy, still enjoyed ourselves. I worked Saturday, too. One old co-worker told me he wished I was around more often. Apparently people like working with me. So cool! And I enjoy working with them too. My manager said she might ask me back for the day before Christmas too. So we'll see...

I know it's starting to get "cold" (for Floridians), but I feel like going to the beach. Anyone want to come with?

Ooh. And camping would be fun too. Hmm... Camping at the beach? Oh! Sleeping bags...no tent...just sleep out under the stars, drifting to sleep to the sound of the ocean. Sweet...

<insert music> "Strangers in the night, exchanging glances. Wandering in the night, what were the chances, we'd be sharing love before the night was through?" LOL. Thanks Sinatra.

David remix version: <insert music with track beats and electronic bleeps> "Strangers, in the n-n-n-night, X-changing glances...yo, whut were da chances--we'd be sharing the big ol' L-O-V-E...just you and me? Word."

lol. err, maybe not.

hahahahah

Later all,
David

I Won't Dance, Don't Ask Me... I Won't Dance, Madame With You...

2004-12-01T15:12:37Z

Don't ask me why, but I'm in a Frank Sinatra mood. Some good music never gets old.

So guess what? My computer caught a virus last week.
Yeah. Sux.
Three of them, apparently. It messed up a bunch of stuff. Internet Explorer wouldn't load pages. Instant messages wouldn't show the words. Other programs didn't load. The system was acting goofy all around.

I tried installing a new copy of Norton AntiVirus. No use. All I got was a blank splash screen.
I tried using the Windows System Restore feature. Same problem.
I couldn't just reinstall Internet Explorer. My computer believed I had the most recent version, and wouldn't let me download it again.
The damage was done.

Let the frustrations begin...

Fortunately I had my system restore discs that came with my computer. Except those weren't working, either. I did find my original Windows XP system installation CD. But then I couldn't find my product key number. Argh! Turns out, it was hidden on the bottom of my laptop. So eventually I was able to reinstall Windows.

Sort of. It just put a fresh copy of Windows...but left everything else on the computer. Including the viruses.

So then I had to reformat and completely wipe clean my hard drive. I loaded a fresh, clean copy of Windows.

I also bought the latest version of Norton AntiVirus and Personal Firewall. But then they started acting goofy with the automatic Windows updates. Service Pack 2 somehow screwed with Norton Firewall--and nothing was working. I tried changing the options or settings, and it told me I didn't have access privileges! Argh again!

I ended up having to reformat and reinstall the whole thing AGAIN. *sighs* And I've still got a ton of stuff to reload and reinstall. Fortunately I was able to save a backup copy of my essential documents. But I lost a lot too.

Hmpf.

The whole ordeal set me back about a week, too. I've got fans anxiously waiting for Starlight #3 to come out. I'm almost finished with it. I've also got my "Astral Zone 4" online business website project to complete, too.

Share that time between web site clients, grandparents visiting from out of state, and the usual "everyday life" I try to maintain too.

To top things off, my roommate's car stopped working. So the past couple mornings, I had to get up early to take him to school or work. I don't mind; he's a great guy. But I've been staying up late working on this other stuff--and not getting much sleep in between.

And then this morning, my car wouldn't start either! Ahhhhhh!

LOL.

Sometimes you just have to laugh.

Keeps you sane.

Oh, and check this out. My sister decided to IM me. So far she's been really nice and pleasant to talk to. Last time we spoke, she was rather harsh and judgmental, pointing out every perceived flaw or weakness should could find in me. Obviously, I didn't appreciate that much. But maybe she was just having a bad day. A really bad day. lol.

Anyway, she seems friendly so far. She's up in Milwaulkie now. Moved there in mid September. Good for her. I was beginning to worry that she'd never move away from home. Be one of those girls who lived with her parents until she got married. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I think it's very beneficial and healthy to spend at least *some* time living on your own. Helps you figure out who you are. And who you'd like to be.

She's flying down on the 23rd to join the family for the holidays. She wants to hang out. I'm open and willing--as long as it's just me and her. No parents.

Some of you know why. Some of you don't understand why. But that's okay. I love my parents with all my heart. But their relationship with me is toxic and destructive. And without agreeing to family counseling or some other compromise, I'm afraid I've exhausted all my options for resolution with them. At least for now. I have hope things will turn around in the future. Maybe they'll realize they can't treat me like shit and expect me to keep coming back for me. Maybe they'll realize I'm an independent person with individual thoughts, feelings, and beliefs--and no matter how much they may disagree with some of those things, they can't and shouldn't try to control or manipulate me.

I have no respect for people who manipulate others with guilt-trips and abuse of power. It's a big turn off for me in any relationship--friend or otherwise.

But speaking of relationships, I've been making a few new friends recently. Some of them are really cool, really cute girls. ;) Okay, one in particular, but I won't mention her name ... yet. hehehe :-p We'll see how things go, first. I'd be happy just being friends with her. But I'd also be happy with the potential for more, too...if there was mutual interest.

As for my turtles, they're still doing good. Every now and then I see one eat a rock. Stupid turtles. But they haven't died yet, so I guess they're okay. lol.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm kinda random and stream-of-thought today. Feeling a little crazy, feeling a little goofy. Life's just been crazy lately. I guess the lesson to learn here is to just laugh at it now and then. Like that old saying, "Don't take life too seriously--you'll never get out alive!" hehehe. So true.

Take life seriously--but be seriously passionate, seriously devoted to your dreams and the people you love. Serious about being who you are and becoming who you want to be. Serious about life--and living it. Breathe it in deep, breathe it in rich. Experience life. Don't let your fears hold you back. Fears are stupid--and most of the time, nothing bad happens anyway!

I want to start taking a few more chances. I want to start risking being in love. I want to start daring to give everything I've got towards my dreams. I want to start embracing change, accepting uncertainty, and stop worrying if it will work out or not.

I can't live if I'm afraid to try. There's another favorite quote of mine. "The brave may not live long, but the cautious do not live at all." Think about that. I'm not talking about living wrecklessly or dangerously. But I am talking about taking a chance, daring to dream, and loving with all my heart. Living with all my heart.

That, I believe, is a dream worth striving towards.

Amen.

LOL.

-David

Money and the Fear of Success

2004-11-18T04:19:09Z

Technically, I'm "unemployed"--but that's not entirely true. I'm actually more so "self-employed," and so far, it's working out well for me. This kind of life suits me well.

I'm good at budgeting and saving, and with a little help from financial aid at school, I don't "need" a regular day job. However, I can't rely on financial aid forever. And I want to start affording nicer things and be able to follow more of my dreams in life. So I've been busy at work.

On the side, I do web sites. Yes, I'm actually getting paid. It so rocks. I love designing web sites anyway. I do it for fun in my spare time, building my own sites. Now I've gotten good enough to where I'm actually getting paid. Just today, I did about 2.5 hours of "work"--and got paid $80 in cash. For a simple three-page website. It was fun, it was around my schedule, and I helped someone get their first website up and running. A website that supports a good cause. So I feel good all around.

And just yesterday, I was going to see a movie. But on the way, I stopped by my old stomping grounds--Family Christian Store. I've worked there off and on over the past three years. I just wanted to pay my old friends a visit. Well, while there, I was asked if I wanted to work the weekend after Thanksgiving. LOL. Just like that. They just need extra help. I'll be being the register the whole time--which is fine by me! :) It gets me out of the house, gives me something fun to do, and get paid at the same time.

How cool is it that they liked me that much to hire me back for just two days?! lol. It'll be fun, I'm looking forward to it.

That's all and good--these miscellaneous side jobs are good for spare cash here and there. But here comes the scary part--I'm on the virge of launching an online business. A real online business, that will accept credit cards and [HOPEFULLY] turn a profit.

Everyone can understand the fear of failure. And believe me, I've failed at some many different things by now in my life, failure is not that big of a deal any more. At least, not in business. Failure is good; you learn from it, you grow from it, you gain experience and first-hand insight. Ah yes...but what about success? Don't let anyone lie to you and say there's no such thing as a fear of success.

It doesn't make sense--but here I am, about to start a business I expect will be profitable, and I'm afraid of it.

lol. Sounds crazy, right?

Hear me out. As far as the business is concerned, everything looks good on paper. I've got the product, the target market, traffic volume, marketing skills and knowledge, and everything else I need to start a successful online business. According to my calculations, even if I have only a 1/10% (one tenth of one percent) sales conversion rate, I'd still turn a tiny profit. And if I get a solid 1 or 2% sales conversion, I'd be doing well. Not rich. Not wealthy. But an income that would comfortably support my current lifestyle.

And suddenly, I find myself afraid. What if it actually works? Will I have what it takes to keep it running successfully? Will I screw up some important thing and lose my business? Forget to file an important document or tax return? What if I handle all that fine? What if this business REALLY takes off?! What if I find myself making 3 times the income I've ever experienced before?

Will I hoard my money, afraid of losing it? Go crazy on a spending-spree? Invest it all in mutual funds? Donate to charity--and if so, how much, and to what charity?

But more importantly...if this business works, what will happen to me? Will I change? Will my friends change?

Money affects people in weird ways. I'm told that money only makes you more of what you are. So if you're a jerk, being rich makes you a total asshole. But if your kind and generous, having money makes you really kind and really generous. A friend told me once that she wished I was rich--because she'd like to see me be more of me. What an honorable compliment. Thank you, Debbie.

But there's always the fear--what if the money corrupts me? Or what if people around me start hitting me up for cash all the time? Asking for loans and whatnot. Will people get jealous--or congratulate me on a job well done? Will some of my friends start to treat me differently? I suppose the real friends would treat me the same, rich or poor.

But the bottom line is, money affects people. I've been told that having money doesn't solve your problems. It just gives you a different set of problems.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a little of my humanity and admit that I'm scared. Scared of the unknown, mostly, perhaps. But that's the truth. I'm afraid of being successful.

Maybe this business won't work out. Maybe it will fail. That's okay. I can handle that. Sure, I'd miss the lost money. But I'd learn and grow from it.

But if this does work out, I'll be in new life territory. I've worked long and hard to get to this point. I first started getting into the business scene back in 1999. Since then, I've had a variety of company up-starts and other business ventures. Everything from web design to real estate investing, from entertainment production to life insurance. The thing is: I keep trying. I perservere. I keep going. So eventually, sooner or later, something's going to work out. Sooner or later. lol.

Will this be it?

There's only one way to find out. Try it.

Worst case scenario: it fails, I lose all my invested money, and feel disappointed.
Best case scenario: I do something I love and earn a good income from it.

Obviously, it's worth trying. This is one of those things I'd regret not doing, years later. So here goes...wish me luck.

Nervously but excited,
David

Can somebody feel deathly afraid and enthusiastically excited at the same time? I am. lol.
(Last time I felt this way, I was planning to move to California for the first time.)

Some of My Work

2004-11-02T22:08:28Z

I'm pretty proud and excited about this project I've been working on. Many of you will recall that I've been working on a screenplay for "Starlight." My business partner and I were planning to produce the film here in Tampa. But the screenplay kinda sorta got put on hold for now. We're still planning to do it, but we're on a time and budget crunch. We're planning to move to California in June 2005. Based on our budget and resources, we decided to wait until after we got to California before casting roles and filming the production.

However, I still liked the idea and wanted to do SOMETHING with it. So I created this website. On it you'll find an online novel series based on the "Starlight" characters and premise. Every month, I'll release a new chapter. Sometimes more. ;) Already I'm getting several visitors per day. I'm looking forward to developing this into a strong following, as it grows in time.

I wanted to extend an official invitation to all of you, my friends. http://starlight.tudec.com will take you directly there.

Right now, the chapters are free to read. But if you want, you can buy some official "Starlight" merchandise--everything from t-shirts to postcards--from the site, too. Either way, feel free to check out the story. If you like it, great! If not, that's cool too--it's not for everybody. But for those of you who would enjoy it, I wanted to let you know now, so you can get in on the "ground floor" and follow the story from the beginning. :)

Also while you're surfing the net, check out www.waffle-man.com. That's what my business partner has been busy working on. Can you guess which character voices I did? ;) :-p

Thanks! Oh, and as a side note...I hope you all remembered to vote today. I'm anxious to find out who's gonna win this election.

Peace,
David Michaels

New Additions to the Family :)

2004-10-31T03:23:08Z

Tonight I added a few new members to my family.

Leonardo and Donatello.

And yes, they are turtles. Cute little baby ones. Red-eared sliders.

It was a total impulse buy. I was at the mall with my roommate. But after seeing those little guys, I just couldn't say no. And of course, I couldn't buy just one--he might get lonely. So I bought two. They're only a couple months old right now. But I'm so happy.

I feel like a proud new adoptive father. I love these little guys so much.

I fed them tonight--it was so fun watching them eat. Or, trying to eat. LOL. Sometimes the little food pellets got away from them, but those cute little guys were persistant. They kept going after that food until they got it!

Good for them. I'm so proud.

Leo and Don... new members of my family. :-D

Just wanted to share the good news,
David